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	  (intro F C F C F C Bb C7) 

       F                         Dm 
On the bleakest day autumn could muster 
     Bb                            C 
In a church to which they'll not return 
          F                           Dm 
I thought back to a time when I could trust her 
     F               Bb          C 
To a time when there wasn't John Byrne. 
         Gm                           Bb 
And in a cruel twist of fate which so often 
  F                     C 
Occurs in tales such as this 
  F                       Dm 
I found myself catering reception 
               Bb               C 
And there were urges I had to resist. 
    F                             Dm 
Not least 'cos John Byrne is much fitter 
        F               Bb           C     C7 
And the straightener to him holds no fears 
          F                A7              Dm     Bb 
So if the chocolate in the fountain tastes bitter 
       F               C             F      (as intro) 
It's because it's been laced with my tears. 
    F                       Dm 
Celebrations were well underway when 
    Bb                        C 
Her father prayed silence and spoke 
              F                     Dm 
He said "It's not like I'm losing a daughter as..." 
Bb                     C 
(Violently starting to choke). 
         Gm                           Bb 
And in a gesture which said "I'm fast fading 
      F               C 
Could somebody dial 999?" 
   F                    Dm 
He valiantly toasted my capers 
       F             Bb             C 
With a glass of what he thought was wine. 
       F              Dm         Bb            C 
It was gone half past ten before folk cottoned on 
   F              A         Bb    (instr) 
By which time I'd landed in Wick. 
      F                         Dm 
So if what's in the fondue's to die for 
         F          Bb          C     C7 
It's got nothing to do with the cheese 
       F             A7              Dm     F 
And if what's in the punchbowl seems lethal 
       Bb             C           F 
It's because it's two-thirds anti-freeze.